Bare some physiological dysfunctions, I believe that what makes people struggle to have an enjoyable sexual life are their misconceptions, rather than ‘technical’ issues. Among them is this idea that the finality of having sex is systematically to reach an orgasm.
‘How could that be considered as a misconception??’ I hear you ask, your eyebrows rising. Yeah, it is a deep one. Just think of this: orgasm is the moment when you are the less connected, interacting with your partner, actually you are out of control, dealing with the overwhelming sensations exploding in your own body and that leaves little room to be thinking about anything/anyone else; orgasm is the selfish moment of sexual intercourse while the whole point of eroticism is selflessness. Moreover, orgasms as they last a very short time (fortunately! If orgasms would last minutes, they would be quite unhealthy, even deadly!), are not what you remember from a sexual intercourse.
Orgasm, after all, is easier and quicker to attain by masturbation than with a partner. So if it was all about orgasm, we wouldn’t really need to have sex with other persons. The desire to have sex with someone is of the same order as our need to talk and socialize. It will never be repeated enough times that the element which makes a sex-session enjoyable and memorable is the quality of interaction between the partners, their ability to be playful, tender, teasing to each other and their willingness to SHARE an erotic moment.
I have my favorite stupid question I often ask to ladies I sleep with: ‘What’s your favorite thing in sex?’ I rarely got the answer ‘orgasm’ (actually, I don’t even remember having heard it once). In fact the most recurrent response is ‘The very moment I’m being penetrated’! That might sound odd, considering that penetration is definitely not the most efficient way to make a woman come. Yet, the answer does not surprise me that much: the specific instant when a man’s shaft enters a woman’s vagina symbolizes the starting of the physical connection, the realization of an ultimate intimacy.
The problem is that media, specialized literature (sex-blogs, anyone?) and porn all tend to brainwash people into having an orgasm-centered perception of sexuality. We’re told indirectly: ‘You don’t cum? What a loser!’ To be more specific, this subliminal message is mostly directed to women who are the most concerned with orgasmic dysfunction. Obviously, this is related to the history of sexuality. In the ‘dark-ages’, sexuality used to be linked almost exclusively to procreation and as a consequence, male orgasm was the big deal because it releases the miraculous sperm, source of life (need I mention I’m being sarcastic?) As a reaction, the feminist movements have made a case (with indeed some reason) to emphasize that female-orgasm is very important as well for sexual harmony. It was definitely necessary to say it loud but the trouble is that it has veered from an affirmative statement into an ideology.
That cult of orgasm has a very perverse effect on people who have difficulties reaching one: being obsessed to reach climax when you’re having sex is actually the best way to prevent it from happening.
So here’s my advice: forget orgasm, just enjoy the time you’re having. Free your mind in the first place, and then you will allow your body to release.
